Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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