Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Randomize
