Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
