worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
