how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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