i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
