my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
