tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
