I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
