I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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