i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
We have so much sex to catch up on
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
