I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
