Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
