I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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