hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Randomize
