My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
