Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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