I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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