He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
