His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
