I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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