I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
