I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
