I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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