This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize