toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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