i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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