I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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