My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Randomize