Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
