I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
