we'll go far in life on tits alone.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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