Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(360): View more from Washington

If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.

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(443): View more from Maryland

no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work

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(631): View more from New York

woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?

(516): View more from New York

you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already

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(207): View more from Maine

Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!

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