Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
