I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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