in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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