There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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