I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i just made my gag reflex go away.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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