Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I think a kid would responsible me up
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
