she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Randomize
