you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Randomize
