I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize