Me too!
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
