The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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