It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
