I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize