No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
