Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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