apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
