every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
