I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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