i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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