And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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