Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
