my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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