Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
