Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
